The Three Levels of Love: Why I'm Learning to Love Deeper

I used to think Diana Ross had it all figured out when she sang "What the World Needs Now Is Love, Sweet Love." As a kid, I rolled my eyes at the idea. Love? Really? What about my desperate need for a new bike or more Legos? Surely the world needed more than just love.

But I've grown up since then. And honestly, I've witnessed firsthand what happens when love is absent from people's lives. I've seen children develop holes in their hearts when they grow up in non-loving environments. I've watched grown adults have their hearts torn open when those who previously loved them suddenly don't act that way anymore. And I've noticed how most of us—myself included—walk around looking for fixes for what's broken and fills for what's empty when we don't experience enough love in our lives.
It's devastating, really.

That's why I've become convinced that maybe the best help I could give myself, my relationships, and our world would be to advance in my ability to give love. Not just any love, but love at the deepest level.

The Problem with Surface-Level Love
Here's what I've discovered: there are actually three distinct levels of love, and most of us get stuck operating at the shallow end of the pool.

The first level—what the Greeks called "eros"—is all about me. It asks, "What can I get out of this relationship?" If I'm honest, this isn't really love at all. It's more like attention-seeking. I'm not actually giving you love; I'm mostly just giving you attention while hoping to get something in return.

The second level—"philos"—goes a bit deeper. It asks, "What can we get out of this?" It's more like affection than mere attention. This is friendship love, the kind that creates mutual benefit. It's definitely better than level one, but it's still not the deepest we can go.

Then there's the third level—"agape"—and this is where everything changes. This love doesn't ask "What can I get?" or even "What can we get?" It simply asks, "What can you get out of this?" It's completely focused on the well-being of others rather than ourselves. This is love at the deepest level, and it's what I'm trying to learn.

Three Ways to Love Deeper
I've been studying how Jesus demonstrated this deepest level of love, and I've identified three specific ways we can practice it in our own lives.

1. Take the First Step
Love at the deepest level takes the initiative in relationships.

Think about the last time you were in an awkward social situation. Maybe you were at a party where you didn't know anyone, or you had a disagreement with a friend that left things tense between you. What did you do? If you're like most people (including me, most of the time), you probably waited for someone else to make the first move.
But people who love deeply don't wait. They're the ones who introduce themselves instead of waiting to be introduced. They make the phone call to set up the meeting after a misunderstanding. They're the first to forgive, not waiting for the other person to say "I'm sorry." They serve others before being served themselves.

Why? Because they're not thinking about their own awkwardness or pride. They're thinking about the other person's discomfort and what they can do to help.
I'm learning that this requires a fundamental shift in my thinking. Instead of asking "What if they reject me?" or "What if this is uncomfortable?" I'm trying to ask "How can I make this easier for them?" It's harder than it sounds, but the results are remarkable.

2. Focus on You, Not Me
The second way to love deeply is to genuinely focus on the other person's needs rather than your own comfort or convenience.

I think about the story of Jesus healing the man with leprosy. This wasn't someone with a mild skin condition—the text says he was "covered with leprosy." Most people would have had to look away. When this man begged Jesus to heal him, Jesus could have simply spoken the word and healed him from a distance. That would have been loving.
But Jesus did something more. He reached out and touched the man before healing him.
Think about that for a moment. A person covered head-to-toe with a highly contagious, socially stigmatized disease. The health codes forbade physical contact. Yet Jesus touched him first, then healed him.

Why? Because Jesus wasn't thinking about his own risk or discomfort. He was thinking about what this man needed most: not just physical healing, but human touch and dignity.
This challenges me every day. When someone needs help, am I thinking about how inconvenient it might be for me, or am I focused on what they actually need? When a friend is going through a hard time, am I worried about saying the wrong thing, or am I genuinely concerned about their wellbeing?

3. Give the Last 10%
The third way to love deeply is perhaps the most difficult: speaking the complete truth in love, even when it's awkward or uncomfortable.
Most of the time, when I want to compliment someone, I hold back about 10%. I'll say "What you did was impressive," but I won't tell them how their work has personally impacted me or how much I admire their character. It feels too vulnerable, too much.
Similarly, when someone needs correction or difficult feedback, I often deliver about 90% of what needs to be said, holding back the part that might really help them but feels too hard to express.

But love at the deepest level gives the full 100%—the last 10% that usually makes all the difference.

I've been on the receiving end of this kind of complete love a few times in the past year, and while it's awkward in the moment, it's incredibly powerful over the long haul. Those words last. They fill something deep in your soul.

Imagine taking the time to tell your spouse every wonderful thing you feel about them. Picture sitting down with your child and expressing all the joy they bring to your life. Think about telling your boss how grateful you are for their leadership and the opportunities they've provided.

Or, on the more challenging side, imagine caring enough about someone to privately and tenderly address their blind spot, then promising to walk alongside them as they grow.
This is advanced loving at its best, and it requires all three elements working together: taking the initiative, focusing on the other person, and getting both the words and the heart right.

The Choice We All Face
Here's the reality I'm facing: none of us will become deep-level lovers by accident. The natural drift of life pulls us toward making the world rotate around our own agenda. We don't automatically become more loving people with age or experience.
But here's what gives me hope: we can learn this. If we talk about it, practice it, and commit to trying—even with all the trial and error, three steps forward and two steps back—we can develop this capacity with God's help.

Diana Ross and the Supremes actually split up not long after recording their hit song about love. Why? Because they weren't giving each other the kind of love the world actually needs. Their love was mostly based on "What can I get out of this?" with some "What can we get out of this?" but too little of the "What can you get out of this?" kind of love.
The same thing happens to relationships all around us every day.

But it doesn't have to be that way. We can choose to love deeper. We can learn to take the first step, focus on others rather than ourselves, and speak the complete truth in love.
The world really does need love, sweet love. But not just any love—it needs love at the deepest level. The kind that changes lives, heals relationships, and fills the holes in people's hearts.

I'm still learning, still practicing, still failing sometimes. But I'm convinced this is the most important skill I could ever develop. Because when we love at this level, we don't just make others' lives better—we become the people we were meant to be.

Are you willing to try this with me?